Funny Business

Outpost Oops

Soon after the teacher, Mrs. Troze, told her students to get ready for a spelling test, one pupil, Emmy, felt sweat drip down her sides. Emmy knew that if she again did poorly, she’d likely get her first F grade on her report card.

Stiffening as the student in front of her passed back a blank sheet of paper, Emmy had another big reason for being more worried than usual: She was about to cheat for the first time.

Glancing at the boy sitting next to her, she was glad her desk was in the left rear corner. He can’t see them, she told herself after her eyes shifted to her right shirtsleeve. By them, Emmy meant the words she’d written on her inner forearm—words that would be on the spelling test she was about to take. 1

Each time Mrs. Troze called out one of the 10 words, Emmy slyly tilted her arm to reveal how it was spelled. To keep the teacher from becoming suspicious, Emmy misspelled two of the 10. I can’t suddenly become too smart, she had decided, glad to get a B—a grade that didn’t embarrass her.

After Mrs. Troze collected all the tests, Emmy raised her hand.

“What, Emmy?” asked the teacher.

“I need to go to the girl’s room,” answered Emmy.

“Go ahead,” said Mrs. Troze.

Alone in the bathroom, Emmy quickly rolled up her sleeve, then scrubbed her forearm clean. With the proof she’d cheated soon gone, she rushed back to the classroom. 2

~

Because her mother managed a store afterrnoons, Emmy went to her aunt’s house when the school day ended. While waiting for her mother to pick her up, she helped her teenage cousin, Ghere, do chores.

This day, the girls had a task they disliked a lot. They had to get on their knees and weed a large backyard garden. “Our mothers think hard work outside school helps us do well in school. They don’t wanna know the truth,” said Ghere as she dug out a deep-rooted dandelion, then tossed it in the tin pail in front of her.

“What’s the truth?” asked Emmy, also tussling with a stubborn weed. 3

“Without what my dad calls funny business, we’d flunk,” claimed Ghere.

“What’s funny business?” asked Emmy.

“You know—doing whatever it takes to pass,” said Ghere.

Having cheated for the first time earlier that day, Emmy guessed what Ghere was saying. “Even cheat.”

Ghere, who thought Emmy sounded uppity, she sat back on her heels. “Your grades stink as bad as mine. Sooner or later you’ll stoop to cheating, too. So don’t act like miss goody snooty!”

Sorry for how she sounded, Emmy also straightened, then softy confessed. “I stooped today for the first time.” 4

“How?” asked Ghere.

Feeling ashamed, Dwem clutched thighs as she leaned forward and dropped chin to chest. “I wrote the answers to a test on my arm.”

“No need to be bummed. Kids like you and me also have a right to get to the big important graduation,” insisted Ghere.

“Adults make graduating too important?” asked Emmy.

Ghere snickered before answering. “For us, graduating just means more funny business so that we can do more graduating. There’s high school and who knows what after that.”

“I guess having to memorize stuff never stops,” moaned Emmy. 5

“That’s all the teachers care about. Testing how much we can remember makes it easy for them to grade us,” pointed out Ghere.

Discouraged, Emmy drooped shoulders.

“We’re not the only ones who stink at remembering stuff. Without cheating, a loads of kids would fail,” carried on Ghere.

“Succeeding is too big of a deal,” decided Emmy.

Ghere was ready with more bad news. “It’s why funny business never ends! The adults cheat each other in all sorts of ways. They sell stuff to each other all time by hiding what’s true and hyping what is’t true. I’ve heard my parents say not being paid enough makes everyone cheat. That’s the big scam—people getting unfair pay.” 6

Emmy was puzzled. “You’re telling me cheating makes sense,” she summed up, not expecting a reply.

~

At school the next day, a nervous Emmy had trouble paying attention. She couldn’t stop dreading the next spelling test. She even found herself sweating when she imagined herself again nudging her shirtsleeve up her arm to see the words she’d be copying. How do people get used to cheating? she asked herself. Going to the bathroom after the next spelling test could look fishy, she worried, aware that waiting to wash off the words would also be risky.

~

7

That afternoon, Emmy and Ghere were again given weed-plucking duty. Stuck with a hot, humid day, they stood motionless in front of the long rows of vegetable plants.

“The dandelions we pulled up yesterday seem to be back,” said Emmy, in no rush to get down on her knees.

Also stalling, Ghere shared what a neighbor had told her. “The old man who lives next door says dandelions aren’t lowly weeds. He says they bring helpful bugs, like ladybugs and bees to gardens.”

Upon hearing what the neighbor had told Ghere, Emmy realized something. “We cheat so that we aren’t treated like dandelions, so that we aren’t just weeds in the way.” 8

Ghere again claimed it was OK to cheat. “That’s right! Why should things be a lot harder for people who don’t have good memory? We shouldn’t be punished with F grades that keep us from doing what it takes to make a living!”

“But what about getting caught?” wondered Emmy.

“If you get caught, just do what the adults do when they get caught messing up: Say how others do the same thing or worse,” answered Ghere.

Emmy finally sunk downward to start weeding. “Just keep saying others are no better,” she muttered, trying to get use to dodging blame.

“You’re finally catching on,” said Ghere with a grin as she, too, dropped to the ground. 9

~

When the bell ended the following school day, Emmy stayed in her seat. Once alone with Mrs. Troze, she rose from her desk and faced her teacher. Though Emmy knew what she was about to say would upset Mrs. Troze, she bravely trudged forward.

Noticing Emmy approaching, Mrs. Troze spoke first. “Is there something you want, Emmy?”

Just say it, thought Emmy before blurting her confession as she came to a stop. “I cheated on the last spelling test by writing the words on my arm.”

Mrs. Troze lowered eyebrows and folded arms. “You’ll have to be punishment,” she said with a scowl. “Along with changing your grade to an F, you’ll start a week of after-school detention.” 1o

“I don’t memorize well,” meekly explained Emmy.

Rather than appreciate Emmy’s difficulty, Mrs. Troze gruffly relayed another consequence. “I’ll also have to call your parents.”

Realizing her parents would likely punish her further, Emmy sighed before replying. “Do you think dandelions are weeds?” she politely asked.

Mrs. Troze stayed stern. “That’s what they are,” she noted as she turned away from Emmy.

~

Yet again told to rid the garden of weeds, Emmy and Ghere grabbed their buckets and headed for the backyard. 11

“I’ll be late helping you for a few days,” said Emmy.

“How come?” asked Ghere.

“After telling my teacher I cheated, I got a week of after-school detention,” shared Emmy.

“Fessing up was really dumb,” grumbled Ghere.

“My funny business was a hurtful mess-up,” shared Emmy.

Ghere didn’t agree. “Who got hurt?”

“I did. I lost feeling calm and liking myself. Saying funny business is OK because others do it didn’t keep me from feeling bad about myself. Maybe when I get older it will, but I hope that’s not so.” 12

“You haven’t understood anything I’ve told you,” whined Ghere.

Spotting a pretty yellow and blue butterfly gently land on a dandelion, Emmy was grateful. “That’s not true. What you said has helped me decide dandelions aren’t weeds, and people like us aren’t failures when we fail.”

The End

~

Things To Think About

1. Why did Emmy cheat?

2. Why did Ghere think some people need to cheat?

3. Is saying that others do the same thing or worse when we’re caught messing up a good idea? Why or why not?

4. After Emmy admitted she cheated to her teacher, she felt better. Why?

5. Why aren’t people failures when they fail? 13