The niceness explored in this book is not only a passing pleasantry but also a show of kindness or fairness. When kind, we see ourselves be encouraging and possibly helpful. When fair, we see ourselves be respectful and trustworthy. Kindness and fairness are survival virtues that, when thoughtfully used, recognize and possibly strengthen the worth of the giver and the receiver. Moreover, by easing the impact of disheartening misfortune, they help people resist desperate measures—actions that can leave us regretful.
This no-frills work-in-progress handbook details the case for a new ology: niceology—the study of being nice. How kindness and fairness help people take care of their mind is emphasized.
How we experience life is determined by what we learn and our genes. In other words, what produces our thoughts, feelings and behaviors is complex. In turn, just scratching the cause-and-effect surface when it comes to understanding ourselves is often a challenge.
Further complicating matters, no one can avoid getting somewhat deprived. Simply put, living in an imperfect world ensures everyone, beginning early in life, gets somewhat short-changed. This fact justifies making sure children sufficiently learn reliable ways to do the upkeep needed to secure their well-being.
Along with food and shelter, humans need to feel close, or connected. We feel close when we attach to people, animals and things. Getting and giving attention or affection with trusted relatives, friends and pets provides satisfying ways to feel close. Another usual way to feel close is being part of a gathering, such as a club or team. Also, attaching to stuffed animals. cherished mementos, and other prized objects can provide a sense of togetherness.
People also need to feel able, or successful. We usually feel able when we accomplish something. Each time we achieve a task, we typically feel competent, unique or special—all forms of ableness. Performing a skill, showing knowledge or creativity, obtaining a title or award, or merely imagining ourselves being triumphant are common ways to feel able.
Outpost Oops contends being nice—kind and fair—is a handy, reliable unmatched and underrated means of feeling close and able. Again, our goal is to convince you that making the most of being nice is the best way to take care of your mind.
Beginning in childhood, life is, in part, a roll of the dice. The fortunate encounter much kindness and fairness. In turn, they find it somewhat easy to trust and relax. The unfortunate encounter little kindness and fairness, making it more difficult for them to trust and relax. Because everyone experiences a degree of imperfection, both the lucky and unlucky somewhat distrust and worry.
When imperfection brings about much deprivation, distrust and worry can plummet into desperation. While desperate, we fear we may not experience enough closeness and/or ableness. Sometimes feeling our very survival is at stake, we can become willing to settle for make-do ways of getting are needs met—ways that may not be kind or fair. We may, for example, resort to lying, cheating, stealing, intimidating and other forms of mischief. Even troublemaking we know could cause us to be punished can become an option when we sense a lack of closeness and/or ableness has put our survival on the line.
The longer we remain desperate, the harder it is for us to give up unkind or unfair make-do ways to get our needs met. Continuing to sense our survival is threatened causes us to rely on what has produced a makeshift semblance of feeling able and/or close. In turn, we become inclined to overlook the fact that not being nice, because it hinders getting along with others and safeguarding our self-regard, makes it harder for us to acquire closeness and ableness
It’s especially important to learn and remember that, while desperate, what we take into account is greatly restricted. During desperate times, we maintain a narrow focus so that we can continue to zero in on and bring about the make-do means of feeling able or close we believe is necessary. By preventing us from fully considering consequences, our narrowness sometimes leads to regrettable mistakes.
Hurt is an unpleasant, but natural reaction that follows the loss of something we need or want. For hurt to occur, who or what we’ve lost must be important to us. When seen as the warning it’s meant to be, our hurt often motivates us to explore how a loss came about and how it can be overcome.
Unfortunately, we learn hurt is a show of weakness—something to ignore rather than explore. That reality is troublesome. You see, ignored hurt seldom fades away. Instead, it gets stored in our brains as memories.
If hurt ignored memories did little more than produce an occasional brief ache, letting them pile up wouldn’t be a big deal. However, we often experience more than a passing pang. Ignored hurt memories become a gob of stored mental energy. This energy fuels forms of sadness and anger.
When an ignored stash of hurt balloons, sadness can become depression and anger can become rage. Forms of depression and rage include ongoing irritability, moodiness, apathy, bullying, resentment and condemnation. Each form can bring about a loss of some self-worth and tranquility
Provided we accept it’s closeness and/or ableness we need to replace, healing hurt can get underway quickly. Knowing we don’t have to restore a loss in a specific way allows us to be open to alternatives. It also makes it easier for us to get by with niceness—a means of replacing some closeness or ableness that’s always available.
Along with telling ourselves a loss must be replaced in a particular way, there are other flawed notions that can hinder healing. Six common ones follow. What makes each a way to keep pulling the rug out from under ourselves is in parentheses.
1. Everyone has a special aptitude she or he is supposed to discover and pursue. (We don’t need to excel to feel close, able, safe or worthy.
2. People shouldn’t let the few opportunities they get to succeed pass them by. (Chances to succeed at being kind and fair are ongoing.)
3. Looks, status, wealth and talent are good reasons to see some people as better than others. (These things can and should be minute alongside kindness and fairness.)
4. Putdowns always hurt the people receiving them. (For putdowns to be hurtful, they must be given value.)
5. Mistakes doom people to self-condemnation. (With a commitment to and ongoing show of niceness, self-regard can be restored.)
6. Circumstances often keep people from healing their hurt. (Though kids can be stuck in a situation that hinders their recovery, healing hurt is typically a personal matter.)
Often seen as a way to seek justice, retaliation is common. Sometimes our retaliation is direct, such as when we return a putdown. Other times, it’s indirect, such as when we fake forgetting to do something requested of us. Often, it’s powered by a backlog of hurt.
The abundance of retaliation in the world can trick us into believing humans are destined to be avengers. However, upon understanding tit-for-tat responses often scuttle our ability to get our needs met, we can come to decline getting even. Also, by realizing that rather than end hurtful mischief retaliation usually creates more of it, we can come to see how choosing niceness over payback is stepping up, not backing down.
We’re all sometimes cranky, snooty, stubborn, possessive, moody or unpleasant in some other way. Because we know such traits can scare others away, we typically strive to hide them in the initial phase of a relationship. When we and our relationship partners are primarily nice, concealing not-nice tendencies for a while isn’t a problem.
What’s the forecast, though, for relationships in which one person gets her or his needs met mainly by way of being nice and the other does so mainly by not being nice? When such a relationship ends quickly, participants are likely unchanged. In contrast, when such a relationship is lengthy, the individual who began primarily nice usually ends up primarily not nice. Once both partners rely on unkind and unfair make-do ways to feel close and able, much relationship misery follows.
Why does someone who relies on not being nice usually, in time, overwhelm someone who relies on being nice? The answer is those reliant on not being nice aren’t merely trying to maintain a relationship. More importantly, they’re trying to secure their survival. Energized by a hefty stash of stored distrust-producing hurt, they’re desperately holding on to a make-do semblance of closeness and ableness.
People can have a strong attraction, called romantic love, to someone often not nice. Keep in mind that such love is one of many ways to feel able and close. Mistakenly believing you must be in love to be happy and healthy can produce much unnecessary hurt.
To realize they’re being overcome by the unkind and unfair habits of another, people who are primarily nice must do something difficult: They must accept they’re in over their head. This would mean realizing their deepening discouragement—a form of sadness—and their growing resentment—a form of anger—are fueled by ignored, stored hurt that will result in ongoing unhappiness. It would also mean understanding that, though an unrivaled positive force when used routinely, niceness isn’t a conquer-all means of changing others.
Again, Outpost Oops sees niceness as more than the everyday civility welcomed by most. Along with the gestures and tone considered common courtesy, the Outpost sees niceness as the kindness and fairness that becomes more likely when empathic humility occurs.
Empathic humility occurs when we appreciate that, like others, we, too, are vulnerable to misfortune and desperation. In turn, rather than engage in the blaming and shaming that can follow the mistakes of others and ourselves, we strive to be understanding. Our sensitivity makes us more inclined to support a need to heal hurt.
We all learn to be somewhat comfortable with not being nice. During childhood, we learn to tolerate and justify ridicule. By adolescence, we’ve figured out being nice can make us susceptible to a raw deal. Everyone comes to pretend it’s occasionally OK to be unkind and unfair.
Here’s the big pretending hitch: Because we learn the difference between nice and not-nice, pretending it’s OK not to be kind or fair usually backfires. Sooner or later, the jig is up and, as a result, we like ourselves less.
Putdowns are everywhere. Radio, TV, movies, computers, phones, playgrounds and schools are all sources. By way of these sources, kids repeatedly see putdowns used to be humorous and/or to feel superior. Without sufficient learning that counters the popularity of putdowns, lessening their use is unlikely.
So, what can help keep kids from joining the belittling crowd? One answer is ongoing niceness lessons. Such lessons would ensure kids understood how delivering a putdown almost always results in a loss of self-esteem.
Taking a stance for or against something is common. Seldom finding fence riding appealing, we’re usually quick to declare a position, even when we realize doing so might cause a fuss. Wanting to feel able to take a stance and/or feel close to those agreeing with us, we seldom see neutrality as appealing.
Usually convinced we’ve wisely chosen the side we take, we can be insistent—a manner that can cause those disagreeing with us to feel antagonized or slighted. When those opposing us are also adamant, we, too, can feel provoked or insulted. Discussion skills that help people remain nice when taking a stand follow:
1. Be clear, calm, open and empathic.
2. Say what’s shared, such as wanting safety.
3. Pass up pointing out who’s on your side.
4. Resist claiming one thing will lead to another.
5. Forgo suggesting one mess-up excuses another.
6. Seek to be gracious rather than victorios.
If niceness is as wonderful as the Outpost claims, why isn’t it a societal priority? Several entrenched obstacles keep a niceness awakening from exploding. Key ones follow.
Upon learning that looks, stature, agility and wealth help them acquire diplomas, talents, relationships, jobs, homes, hobbies and toys, people often overlook niceness. Put another way, because being kind and fair makes them less competitive, people see kindness and fairness as second-rate ways to feel able and close. For those striving to “get ahead,” forgoing niceness often makes sense.
Also an obstacle to being nice is the sadness and anger created by storing gobs of hurt. The out-of-sorts frame of mind sadness and anger bring about makes us disinclined to be kind or fair. Worse yet, when sadness spirals into depression or anger swells into rage, we become too constricted to be nice.
Yet another important obstacle to being nice is frequent exposure to dismaying events that can range from coarseness to hostility. Upon watching news reports that spotlight corruption and carnage, crime dramas that feature murder and sadism, or soap operas and “reality” shows that rely on deception, spitefulness, mockery, discord and bullying, we can end up too disenchanted and cynical to take niceness seriously.
The problem is we typically learn about niceness in haphazard ways. Inadequately learning how to use niceness to prevent and remedy hurt is especially unfortunate. It can result in much unnecessary misery.
One solution is providing ongoing, standardized niceology courses—yearly classes that would focus on why and how to be nice. While schools—elementary through college—are logical places for such learning, sufficiently prepared caregivers and mentors might also get the job done.
Though the niceness explored in this book is an ancient way of obtaining serenity and harmony, it remains an undervalued survival strategy. As a result, foot soldiers prepared to boost its status are badly needed. We hope you agree that, while not a magic wand, routine niceness helps bring out the best in humans. We also hope you’ll use other Outpost Oops materials to continue to explore niceness. The world needs aspiring and inspiring niceologists!